Mindful parenting in the time of Career dilemma

Many children and parents are unsure about what subjects to study or which career path to go for. Some pupils are excellent in all subjects and do not know what to choose. Some children just hate subjects taught in schools and are clueless about future. Counselors and aptitude tests may guide up to an extent but the final decision is to be taken by the family.

As a parent, the first thing that one could do is to focus on the bright spots in your child. The bright spots may not be related to the career choices that you want them to have. You could be holding a strong position about one particular career path which may not be your daughter’s choice. Most parents want their children to be an engineer, doctor, CA, MBA or an architect. Especially in India, the competition for professional courses is fierce. Even if your ward is a high achiever, getting into the dream university/college may not always be possible. When you start noticing the bright spots, you may notice some seeds of an entrepreneur or an artist in your child which you are underrating! S/he could also be ready for a different career path that you are not even in a position to dream.

Having goals is important to get a direction but often these may be set by parents and not by children. Sometimes, parents keep repeating those goals in conversations and they try to imbibe those on children. They may turn into parental aspirations and expectations may lead to conflicts. It is important to ask yourself, are you putting your aspirations on your children?

What is the meaning of the term “Mindful Parent”?

The first step in being a mindful parent is Listening!

In several families, the communication between parents and children gradually reduces as the children grow. Adolescents have their own friend circles and things to do. If all that a parent is going to talk about is a set of instructions and warnings, kids do not want to listen to them. Instead, if the grown-ups start listening with focus, the gates of communication can open up. Listening without judging immediately could help to resolve several of the questions mentioned in the previous blog. Listening doesn’t mean listening with your ears only. It also means being aware of the non-verbal cues. It means being aware of the state of mind your child is in.  This may help you to understand your child better. You will be able to find the bright spots. If children get a confidence that you are not there to criticize or scold, they will open up and feel that you are supportive.

As you listen carefully, you can discuss college options freely. You can sit with your spouse and child to explore the possibilities. Sometimes, your children may not need advice but they may just want to think aloud and you can be of great help in this process. As far as possible, it would be better to make them independent thinkers rather than expecting them to go by your decisions.

If your child hates school or some subjects, it may come up during a casual chat in the evening. You can slowly find out what is happening in math class which your son hates.  It is possible that you may be able to think of an alternative way to explain the concept which he is not getting! You may watch a historical play or film together and it can develop interest in history in your child.

It would be better to keep a low key about that negativity. The more you are vocal about it, it is going to aggravate. If you are anxious about his/her exams, it will feed to his/her fear factor. S/he is entitled to an opinion. If you really don’t approve of it, you need to think about what exactly is the problem with it.

Suppose you don’t like your daughter’s clothing or your son’s hairstyle, whining about it doesn’t help. During holidays let them try out things. As youngsters, they are into image building. You cannot take their right away. However, you do a humble inquiry about how they got the idea, who else among their friends is doing it. This needs to be done tactfully- not to appear peaky but to become friendly. If they can carry it with confidence, let them do it. If it is the matter of girls’ clothing, check where exactly they will be, get to know their friends’ parents. Slowly find out what is driving their ideas. If you are friendly, your daughter will share her plans and talk about her experiences with you.

If you can become a good listener, they will emulate you. If you show interest in what they have to say, they will become your friends and the communication gap will reduce. In a perfect world, it would be good to have some time set aside for such interactions. In today’s busy life, parents will have to think about creative ways of setting up dialogues.

As you listen with care, you will notice that some of your complaints about your child’s behavior are connected with your own state of mind and behavior. If your son is spending an excessive amount of time on phone or computer, observe yourself.  Are you on the phone most of the time yourself? You cannot set different rules for yourself and your child. You cannot order them to run errands for you or shout to get their room cleaned. If they have seen you keeping the personal spaces clean and organized from early on, they will learn to do it. If someone was doing it for them all the years, they are never going to learn it.

If you show sensitivity they too will understand and help you when necessary. Our children are here to teach us patience and introspection. Many issues are connected with how we do what we do.

To summarize, the first two steps in mindful parenting are Listening and helping your child to become an independent thinker. As you are doing these, the third major step watching your own state of mind.

Link to the next blog