After Vipassana and AAA

If you have not read the Before Vipassana blog then you might want to read that before reading this one,

Ten days at Dhammapafulla started peacefully. My son- Kabir was in Kolkata for the Guitar Festival and Vinay was at home. I sent the last messages and without waiting for their replies I surrendered my phone and purse. It felt like I am surrendering to police and entering a prison. Why was I doing it? No one forced me to do this! Should i quit and go back? My mind was confused. 

However, i saw around 31 other ladies in somewhat similar thoughts and told myself to be patient. They explained us the schedule which included almost 10 hours of sitting for meditation and around one and half hour of discourse every evening. I knew that I would enjoy the discourse but I had never done any meditation beyond a few minutes. Generally, when courses are taught in schools and colleges you have several hours of lectures and only a few hours are given for experimentation. Here it was exactly the reverse. Vipassana means seeing clearly without living in an illusion. So I was here to see things clearly. I started brushing away the thoughts of calling home or quitting.

Although, I had deposited my phone without much feeling, withdrawal symptoms started in the night. As I entered my cell I stopped making eye contact with my room partner. It was exciting to have escaped from household chores and school work. I started a feeling of liberation already. I did not have to cook/clean or mark papers/prepare slides for next class. It was as if the time had slowed down and I had a lot of time for myself. But there was no internet/ TV. In fact, not even a pen and paper for me to write down my thoughts. Was i in Vipassana jail or was my regular life was in a self-made prison?

The moments of “AAA”

During meditation and even at night the thoughts of Kabir and Vinay would haunt me. I would visualize worse things and shudder in my own thoughts. A painful wave would pass through my spine. Thoughts would cloud my mind and eyes would well up.  I started focusing my attention on the tip of the nostrils. AWARENESS was the first lesson. Somehow, the wild thoughts started stopping momentarily. I started asking myself; “Is there anything you can do to find out the condition of your family?” The reply would come from somewhere: “Nothing! Just focus on the nostrils….” The cycle of awareness of the present moment and drift would keep whirling. At times I felt that this was not a prison as I had thought before. Although, I was sitting in the hall, I would start feeling completely free like the parakeets chirping outside. The worries started evaporating partially. But this was not going to be permanent!

As the days passed in silence, the silence was only outwardly. The mind would become ultra-active and turbulent instead of focusing. On the 6th or 7th day I realized that all the situations of anger, worries, hatred, and agonies were surfacing due to ATTACHMENT TO ONESELF. As soon as a painful thought arose I started evaluating the causes and started watching it. I realized that this process would defuse the mental bomb. At times for some unexplained reasons or out of realization of my own innumerable mistakes over the years tears would start rolling down. I started carrying a kerchief to the meditation sessions.                                            

I managed to control weeping using the two ‘A’ s- AWARENSS and ATTACHMENT.

The third and the most important ‘A’ that I learnt and experienced was ‘ANICCA’. The Pali word literally means “inconstant” or "impermanent". It relates to the impermanence of everything. During long sessions of meditation what was called as Adhitthana (sitting with a strong determination without opening eyes or changing posture as far as possible) there were several moments of excruciating pain. When the concept of realizing that the pain is impermanent or ANICCA was applied to the pain in my knees and back it worked.

Slowly I started applying the concept of AWARENESS, ATTACHMENT and ANICCA to every physical and mental pain (and pleasure at times!). The focus on awareness of sensation, realization of attachment and implementing the idea of Anicca started getting into my head slowly. The physical pain started reducing first. Someone may argue that this could be due to practice. One session of Adhitthana would go undisturbed and I would think that “I did it!” and in the next session the pain would come just at the 15th minute! Pain was still there however, I was reacting differently.

Nothing is permanent…so was my stay at Vipassana centre! The formula of AAA worked and gave me a lot of strength in those 10 days. But this was just a controlled experiment and I managed it. The real examination will be when I am in the outside world.  As the New Year 2015 rolls in and I interact with my family, friends and enemies, at home or on streets of Bengaluru….whenever difficult situations arise will I be able to apply this formula? Time will only tell the answer. I did find some peace within me. However, this is just a first step on a long journey that will last till my last breath.

Bhavatu Savva Mangalam!


Before Vipassana

Can a human being be really relieved of pain and miseries? Is there a path towards liberation? I don’t feel any devotion towards a deity but how do I get rid of anger, worries, fears in me? How do I find happiness at every moment? These and many more questions have been bothering me for some years. A few years ago, I read this book called “Old path white clouds” by Thich Nhat Hanh (also referred as Thay or Master). This is a very well researched biography of Gautam Buddha. Although there are several novels or fictional works on Lord Buddha’s life, I found this one very unique because it has a very detailed bibliography in the end. I listened to his talks and also the video of his interview by Oprah.

In later years while travelling to Ladakh, Manali , Ajantha caves, Kanheri caves, Dhammapatana at Gorai, Sarnath and finally Bodh Gaya last December my interest in Buddhist philosophy grew. This year, we (Vinay and me) had the opportunity to do a course on Buddhism and Modern Psychology on coursera.org by Professor Robert Wright. Bob Wright mentioned that he had done Vipassana and during the course he introduced us to many interesting scholars like Joseph Goldstein, Bhikku Bodhi etc. I understood some of the parallels between psychology and Buddhism. But there is a major difference between reading or listening to a master and practicing. My rational mind understood the arguments at an intellectual level however; the miseries and problems in the day today life were just the same. Then I heard first hand experiences of some friends and colleagues about Vipassana.

In the meantime, Vinay went for the course in September. Usually when one of us is traveling there are short text exchanges like  “boarded “, “landed”, “reached” and a few minutes of conversation each night in spite of our busy schedules. That itself gives a sense of security. At Vipassana, once he surrendered the phone the communication was completely shut down. My days would pass at work but the evenings and weekend was tough. This taught me to live on my own and not to worry constantly. When he returned, I asked him can we reverse the roles in December. He agreed but i kept worrying about how the father-son duo will manage without me for ten days. However, Vinay assured that he will manage everything.

I am really glad that i could take off for 10 days this winter. I am thankful to my school job which gives me long winter holidays. I am also thankful to my supportive family for giving me this unique opportunity to experiment. 

But did it answer my questions? Did I really find any peace? 

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