After Vipassana and AAA

If you have not read the Before Vipassana blog then you might want to read that before reading this one,

Ten days at Dhammapafulla started peacefully. My son- Kabir was in Kolkata for the Guitar Festival and Vinay was at home. I sent the last messages and without waiting for their replies I surrendered my phone and purse. It felt like I am surrendering to police and entering a prison. Why was I doing it? No one forced me to do this! Should i quit and go back? My mind was confused. 

However, i saw around 31 other ladies in somewhat similar thoughts and told myself to be patient. They explained us the schedule which included almost 10 hours of sitting for meditation and around one and half hour of discourse every evening. I knew that I would enjoy the discourse but I had never done any meditation beyond a few minutes. Generally, when courses are taught in schools and colleges you have several hours of lectures and only a few hours are given for experimentation. Here it was exactly the reverse. Vipassana means seeing clearly without living in an illusion. So I was here to see things clearly. I started brushing away the thoughts of calling home or quitting.

Although, I had deposited my phone without much feeling, withdrawal symptoms started in the night. As I entered my cell I stopped making eye contact with my room partner. It was exciting to have escaped from household chores and school work. I started a feeling of liberation already. I did not have to cook/clean or mark papers/prepare slides for next class. It was as if the time had slowed down and I had a lot of time for myself. But there was no internet/ TV. In fact, not even a pen and paper for me to write down my thoughts. Was i in Vipassana jail or was my regular life was in a self-made prison?

The moments of “AAA”

During meditation and even at night the thoughts of Kabir and Vinay would haunt me. I would visualize worse things and shudder in my own thoughts. A painful wave would pass through my spine. Thoughts would cloud my mind and eyes would well up.  I started focusing my attention on the tip of the nostrils. AWARENESS was the first lesson. Somehow, the wild thoughts started stopping momentarily. I started asking myself; “Is there anything you can do to find out the condition of your family?” The reply would come from somewhere: “Nothing! Just focus on the nostrils….” The cycle of awareness of the present moment and drift would keep whirling. At times I felt that this was not a prison as I had thought before. Although, I was sitting in the hall, I would start feeling completely free like the parakeets chirping outside. The worries started evaporating partially. But this was not going to be permanent!

As the days passed in silence, the silence was only outwardly. The mind would become ultra-active and turbulent instead of focusing. On the 6^th or 7^th day I realized that all the situations of anger, worries, hatred, and agonies were surfacing due to ATTACHMENT TO ONESELF. As soon as a painful thought arose I started evaluating the causes and started watching it. I realized that this process would defuse the mental bomb. At times for some unexplained reasons or out of realization of my own innumerable mistakes over the years tears would start rolling down. I started carrying a kerchief to the meditation sessions.                                            

I managed to control weeping using the two ‘A’ s- AWARENSS and ATTACHMENT.

The third and the most important ‘A’ that I learnt and experienced was ‘ANICCA’. The Pali word literally means “inconstant” or "impermanent". It relates to the impermanence of everything. During long sessions of meditation what was called as Adhitthana (sitting with a strong determination without opening eyes or changing posture as far as possible) there were several moments of excruciating pain. When the concept of realizing that the pain is impermanent or ANICCA was applied to the pain in my knees and back it worked.

Slowly I started applying the concept of AWARENESS, ATTACHMENT and ANICCA to every physical and mental pain (and pleasure at times!). The focus on awareness of sensation, realization of attachment and implementing the idea of Anicca started getting into my head slowly. The physical pain started reducing first. Someone may argue that this could be due to practice. One session of Adhitthana would go undisturbed and I would think that “I did it!” and in the next session the pain would come just at the 15^th minute! Pain was still there however, I was reacting differently.

Nothing is permanent…so was my stay at Vipassana centre! The formula of AAA worked and gave me a lot of strength in those 10 days. But this was just a controlled experiment and I managed it. The real examination will be when I am in the outside world.  As the New Year 2015 rolls in and I interact with my family, friends and enemies, at home or on streets of Bengaluru….whenever difficult situations arise will I be able to apply this formula? Time will only tell the answer. I did find some peace within me. However, this is just a first step on a long journey that will last till my last breath.

Bhavatu Savva Mangalam!

Before Vipassana

Can a human being be really relieved of pain and miseries? Is there a path towards liberation? I don’t feel any devotion towards a deity but how do I get rid of anger, worries, fears in me? How do I find happiness at every moment? These and many more questions have been bothering me for some years. A few years ago, I read this book called “Old path white clouds” by Thich Nhat Hanh (also referred as Thay or Master). This is a very well researched biography of Gautam Buddha. Although there are several novels or fictional works on Lord Buddha’s life, I found this one very unique because it has a very detailed bibliography in the end. I listened to his talks and also the video of his interview by Oprah.

In later years while travelling to Ladakh, Manali , Ajantha caves, Kanheri caves, Dhammapatana at Gorai, Sarnath and finally Bodh Gaya last December my interest in Buddhist philosophy grew. This year, we (Vinay and me) had the opportunity to do a course on Buddhism and Modern Psychology on coursera.org by Professor Robert Wright. Bob Wright mentioned that he had done Vipassana and during the course he introduced us to many interesting scholars like Joseph Goldstein, Bhikku Bodhi etc. I understood some of the parallels between psychology and Buddhism. But there is a major difference between reading or listening to a master and practicing. My rational mind understood the arguments at an intellectual level however; the miseries and problems in the day today life were just the same. Then I heard first hand experiences of some friends and colleagues about Vipassana.

In the meantime, Vinay went for the course in September. Usually when one of us is traveling there are short text exchanges like  “boarded “, “landed”, “reached” and a few minutes of conversation each night in spite of our busy schedules. That itself gives a sense of security. At Vipassana, once he surrendered the phone the communication was completely shut down. My days would pass at work but the evenings and weekend was tough. This taught me to live on my own and not to worry constantly. When he returned, I asked him can we reverse the roles in December. He agreed but i kept worrying about how the father-son duo will manage without me for ten days. However, Vinay assured that he will manage everything.

I am really glad that i could take off for 10 days this winter. I am thankful to my school job which gives me long winter holidays. I am also thankful to my supportive family for giving me this unique opportunity to experiment. 

But did it answer my questions? Did I really find any peace? 

To be continued……

Travel and Thoughts in Thirteen

A year has gone by since I blogged last…i think it is time to slow down on the eve of New Year and look back. It feels just like yesterday …last New Year’s eve, I had just returned from Shanti Niketan with a baul fokir’s tune in mind! I was walking on Park Street of Kolkata among people from various nations and ages that were carrying candles in memory of Nirbhaya. She had breathed her last but her departing soul awakened several around the world.  With a sad heart, we ushered in 2013 with a hope for justice and it was delivered in record time! 

On a personal level, I felt that this was going to be a year of travel because on Jan 1^st, Vinay and i had set for a journey to the Sunderbans  with a bunch of adventurous foreigners.  This blog is about the my travel in space in time. As the boat was slowly moving through the region of tides I felt like the character Piya in Hungry Tide described by Amitav Ghosh .  Protagonist of the novel- Piya comes to the tide region for her research on dolphins and we met these European travelers going around with their “Lonely Planet” copy and a small back pack! I thought, why can’t I travel like them…with very little mental and physical baggage? So this is how the year 2013 started!

In Sunderban there was an evening of music and drama staged by the locals. I again met Lolon fokir’s tunes. Though, I could not understand the meaning fully, their music touched my heart.  At that time, i did not know anything about Lalon, but when we returned to Kolkata i picked up Fokir by Sunil Gangopadhyay and the Mother of 1084 by Mahashwetadevi. As soon as I finished reading the book, the play  “Man of Heart” came to Bangalore. After a tiring day at work, i miraculously managed to reach just in time. The play opened Fokir’s poetry like a book in front of me! Mother of 1084 was quite depressing but both these books made a permanent place for Kolkata in my mind.

While in Kolkata, I was reading Krishna Key by Ashwin Sanghi. The thriller revolves around the legend of Krishna. My love for Mahabharata, pushed me to buy this book at the airport and I was glued to it in my spare time during the travel. Although Sanghi is nicknamed “India’s Dan Brown” and I had decided not to read original Dan Brown for a while, i read all three of his books this year. In fact, I managed to read Rozabal Line before going to Kashmir with my parents and picked up Chanakya’s Chant before visiting Chanakya’s Pataliputra.  Ashwin is a wonderful story teller and he has done a thorough research before writing each of the novels. All the novels made my journeys truly interesting!

In February, I got the opportunity to take my students to Agastya . I had thought about this trip when I visited it in August 2012 along with Vinay and Kabir. At that time, i was thrilled to see the smile of discovery on the faces of several underprivileged children! These students were coming from neighboring villages where schools barely had a roof and just few teachers. They may not have seen a laboratory elsewhere and here they were getting an opportunity to learn by doing. After seeing how people at Agastya had developed low cost experiments that could be transported through boxes to remote villages, I started questioning my own teaching methodology. I wondered about how i can bring in hands-on experimentation my lessons. The community visit to see how students finish their homework in the evening and the farm visit were great highlights of this trip.

The month of February and early March were very challenging. I had just returned from Agastya and was getting ready to attend a TOK workshop in Mumbai next weekend. Immediately, in the following week, i was supposed to be in Singapore for work. Although, it was just for three days, it was a revelation that my family is learning to manage it without me! Three consecutive trips with very short breaks to wash clothes and fill up the refrigerator….i love reading thrillers but living one was tough! I tried enjoying all the trips by living those moments fully without thinking too much about home front. Of course, i must thank Vinay and Kabir for that!

My next adventure was to visit Vaishnodevi and Srinagar with my parents. The task of booking helicopter left me sleepless for a night. I managed to get only one ticket for my mother and i started building mental and physical strength to walk. I even spoke to my Baba to start his training in climbing. He actually followed my adviceand took Aai for trekking at Kanakeshwar and Dattacha Dongar near Alibag. I must mention that he gave me the confidence that we could do it! It was a pleasant surprise upon reaching Katra to get two helicopter tickets within half an hour’s wait. That too, in a flight much before what i had booked for my Aai over internet. The helicopter ride was superb and i will cherish those moments….i did not carry any mobile/camera so i do not have any pictures. But the experience is etched in my mind.  I went up to the shrine with Baba and made him sit at a spot and came back to fetch my Aai from the helipad. I had thought that i will never be able to meet her as we were not carrying mobiles and the crowd will be too much. I had prepared for the worst things like inclement weather, rush, stampede, pick-pocketing. I am not sure if it was my parents’ faith or my luck that we managed the visit to Vaishnodevi safely. My Aai, carried packed dinner given by Siddhartha Travels for us and my parents managed to come down on horseback while I walked down without much effort.

Further, in Srinagar we visited Shankaracharya temple, Hajaratbal, Vishnu temple of Avantipur. The 4^th century Martand Temple of Sun and the Gurudwara next to it were memorable. My parents loved the experience of snow in Gulmarg and Sonamarg. It was a memorable trip with endless rounds of Antakshari with Baba and fellow travelers. Again, I owe this trip especially to my Mother-in law who took charge of  the house so that i could enjoy it with my parents.

In June, Aai had a fall and she had fractured her arm. I was lucky to reach her almost next day and could spend few days with her. With Kabir and Baba, I went to Kanakeshwar, Kolaba Fort, Sculptor Karamarkar’s studio and generally explored Alibag. I had several nostalgic moments and memories of friends, cousins as we walked through streets of Alibag.

School opened in August and immediately in September, i went to Gujrat with Girls’ trip. Last year, I had enjoyed the Heritage walk in Ahmedabad. I had suggested this to trip organizers at school but the itinerary was fixed and very little could be altered. It was a big surprise to see the same guides who arrange Heritage walks at the Ahmedabad Airport to receive us! When I mentioned about this trip to our friends Dr. Subhojit and Simanti Sen, Dr. Subhojit gave me a book titled Lost River by Michel Danino. It further developed my interest in archeology of the place. I thoroughly enjoyed the visit to Lothal, Raniki Vav and Adalaj Vav.In Lothal we saw world's earliest known port (approximately 4500 years old) from Indus Civilization. It was fun to stop on the highway and take a picture on the Tropic of Cancer. Interestingly, I remembered the location as we were approaching it  and managed to stop the bus in time! The Sun temple in Modhera (built in 1026 A.D.) was an excellent piece of architecture and astronomy calculations. It was around noon in September (very close to autumnal equinox) and I could actually see that the Sun was almost overhead at that place. The carvings on this temple and in Raniki vav (again in 11^th century) were very beautiful. Akshardham was a very modern temple but the light-n-sight show based on Nachiketa’s story was thought provoking.

Second visit to Sabarmati Ashram within a year was another big surprise. I was thoroughly moved by the serene atmosphere and the stories narrated by the lady who was sitting in Gandhiji’s veranda with a spinning wheel. I brought back a small charakha as a memento. Several students were inspired and later on we prepared an assembly on Gandhiji in October.

The last journey of this year was following Buddha’s footsteps. This trip has been on my mind for last few years from the time i read this book Old Path White Clouds by Thich Nhat Hanh. ( I am thankful to my Father-in-Law because i lifted off this book from his shelf and never returned!) Later on, Charles Allen’s Ashoka kindled more interest in the Buddhist monuments. I am always fascinated by monasteries in Ladakh. We did the ground research using a friend Anuradha Goyal’s blog.

After careful planning of trains, hotels etc we finally left Kabir and his Guitar at Kolkata and began our journey to UP and Bihar. I had pictured this as an adventure through land of filth, poverty, and stampede at Ganges Ghats or traffic jam due to NaMo’s entourage. Except for the dusty roads in Benaras and chaotic traffic near our hotel in Patna the travel was quite smooth.

The stupa at Sarnath was quite big and the garden around the ruins of monastery was very well maintained. Sant Kabir’s birthplace- Laharatara had a small pond with lotuses. Recently, an ancient sandalwood rosary was stolen from this Kabir temple. There were hardly any devotees or visitors in the big temple. In this holy land of Hindus and Buddhists, SantKabir seemed to be side tracked!

The ruins of Nalanda broke my heart. It is unbelievable that we had universities like Nalanda and Takshila before Oxford/Cambridge/Ivy leagues came into picture. Only some parts of the university are excavated, it appears to be a massive place. Later on in the archaeological museum we saw charred rice obtained in the excavation. How can someone be so cruel?

In Pavapuri we saw Lord Mahavir’s place of nirvana. The marble Jal Mandir was surrounded by thousands of lotuses but since it was not the season, they were not in bloom. It was a cold, peaceful place. Later on in Rajgir we saw a beautiful, modern museum filled with scenes made with dolls and 3-D models from Mahavir’s life story. Next to that was a lush green garden called Venuvan which was Buddha’s resting place during monsoons. The trek to Shanti Stupa in Rajgir was quite good. After that, we reached our final destination Bodh Gaya.

Bodh Gaya (old name-Uruvela) was a place where Buddha attained the supreme knowledge. The temple was built by Ashoka in 260 B.C. Buddha spent seven weeks at various locations in the Mahabodhi complex under various trees. The entire place was surreal, mystic, calm and yet energetic. In the evening, the trees would fill up with chirping sounds of cheerful  birds. Thousands of pilgrims from Far East must be visiting the place each day but it was not crowded. It was very well organized, disciplined and clean. There were several monasteries of different Asian countries and it was very lively to observe smiling monks walking around in perfect harmony.

As the year 2014 begins, i hope this will be a peaceful, healthy and happy year!

Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō